Message in a bottle

Message in a bottle

W . A . L . T

Show not tell:

Use more commas and speech marks:

As I walk along the sandy beach,

a object takes away my speech,

walking slowly, step by step,

I pick up the bottle and take a deep breath,

I see a little wooden cork,

“oh my” I shout “I’m such a dork!!”,

as I pull out a little note,

theres a picture of a sail boat,

and as I am just standing there,

a person just begins to glare,

and so I put the note back in,
and throw it in the sea again.

KKN- Singing donkey

Commonwealth Games Writing

THE SWIMMING RACE

By Bronah

W . A . L . T: Show not tell

I hear my name called by the loud speaker over the sound of my i pod booming in my ear. I enter through the door and listen to sound of the crowd calling my name, cheering and screaming . The man over the intercom is now calling out my previous winnings in the races before . All of the other competitors are lined up taking their track suits of and fastening there shiny silver goggles. As I start unzipping my jacket and taking of my tracksuit pants a new song comes on to my ipod and it is we are the champions. the whistle blows several times to gesture that we get onto the blocks and in the starting position. I take one step onto the block and then the other, I quickly adjust adjust my goggles and the man on the loud speaker says “on your marks” BEEEEEEEEEEEP A big splash as all of the competitors dive into the pool, briskly skimming across the surface of the water I can just hear the mumbling voice saying Australia in the lead New Zealand 2nd place. I sprint to the finish (after all it is only one lap) touching the end of the pool New Zealand is the winner I feel the warm salty tears sliding down my face and into the pool. I have won gold. I get out of the pool and quickly greet the NZ team mates, my coach and my family . I quickly walk over to the podium and greet the Australian silver award winner and the South African bronze award winner and congratulate them. when I start to hear the sound of the Scottish national anthem played on the bagpipes I feel the sweat starting to form on my face from all of the nerves being held inside. When the prize giving lady walks out of the door and over to the South African and greets her with a shiny bronze medal and a small wooden bowl. Next is Australian gets her silver medal and a bowl and then me, The lady with the tartan green dress walks over to ME. I slowly bow down to receive my gold, gleaming metal and the small wooden bowl with a tiny metal plate engraved with Glasgow Commonwealth Games. . .

TO BE CONTINUED…

The 12 doors

As I walk out out of the dripping wet cave I am stunned as I see Twelve wooden doors all unlocked

Door 1: A box of chocolates (do not be fooled like I was) The box contained poisonous chocolate that made my leg go all jelly, along with a vase with roses that were chomping with sharp venomous teeth.

Door 2: a firefly spitting a poisonous liquid and with a light so blinding that it made my nose blocked (and you can’t see with your nose)

Door 3:a giant wasp with hot ash dust flowing out of its eyes

Door 4:Voldemort (the most unpleasant face I have ever seen not to mention that he put a smelley curse on me a yes IT WAS SMELLY!!)

Door 5: a doll with demondish red eyes and a gigantic green snake with its red tongue out

Door 6: a four story height deadly golden lion breathing ice

Door 7: HUGE BIRDS FLYING EVERYWHERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Door 8:Lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of RATS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Door 9: a giant basilisk (DEADLY GIANT SNAKE THAT CAN KILL YOU WITH ITS EYES!!!!!!!!) that was facing the other way (LUCKY)

Door 10: a screaming mandrake (I slam the door extremely fast!!!!!!!!!!)

Door 11:an angry archery player (I slam the door extremely fast!!!!!!!!!!) and then I here a bang

Door 12: a million dollar mansion

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I comment regulary on peoples blogs giving them tips and hints

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I took apart my survival kit but I showed my teacher and this is what was in it...